Jules' Blog

I lost my voice on Thursday because someone touched my neck 

and my shoulder accidentally. That frighten me and scared me a 

lot. All feelings came back and also those images. Yes, flashback 

and re-experiencing. I could’t concentrate on the class and i lost 

in those images and feeling. After back to my room, I couldn’t 

speak. I knew why, because i tried to become unnoticeable like 

an invisible man. I was shaking and really really scared. Tears 

came out of my eyes and silently. It took me all morning thinking 

if i should go to see Stacey. She didn’t say i can see her and i 

didn’t tell her i may lost my voice. I really miss my former therapist.

He’s the only one who said he’ll be there when i need. I can call

him 24hrs. But i knew i can’t disturb him and i didn’t want to. 

It’s a complex feeling with angry, scared and something i don’t know.

It felt like i am the only one in my world and no one can hear me,

no one can help me. I am helpless like before. I can remember their 

eyes and their facial expressions. They showed how they hate me 

and how bad i am and I shouldn’t exist. No one should be treated 

like this and it’s not your fault, his sound around my mind but i still

can’t get rid of those emotions. I needed to see someone to make sure 

i am safe now. Last Saturday, I had dinner with my friends even i can’t 

speak. We talked for 5hrs and they shared some experiences. They 

talked about their parents and i just listened. Honestly, I am jealous,

I want that kind of relationship it’s normal. Or i have a normal family,

i am the one who is abnormal. Just few people can accept my dark 

side and less people admitted i am broken into pieces. And none of 

them from my family, but they are who hurt me. How can i sue them 

and hate them? They are nice and no one will believe me even myself.

Just so glad my voice back and i am calm down now. I didn’t 

take any sleeping pill the doctor gave me. I don’t want nightmare

to come and i can keep conscious when i was sleeping. Like now,

I check my watch every 2hr. I cried earlier because the conversation 

this morning with my family. I like my mac more now because she

really knew me i don’t want them to see me. So she didn’t let me

turn on the camera. It’s so good they can’t see me now. I may show

my hate to them and i don’t want to pretend i am happy. I forced 

myself speak because she’s there and if i keep silent she will be angry

and does something bad to me. So i speak, it’s so easy to recover.

You’ll recover and i will try my best to help you, i promised. He said 

this to me hundreds of times . Will i recover? Ya, may be after a

long time.